Over the course of the last couple weeks, we talked about how we are formed and shaped by our culture and our habits. We get into ruts as a couple, and we can’t get out, because we have practiced certain ways of communicating or avoiding. We are formed and shaped by the cultural moment of our day, and we use sex for things it can’t provide or we desire things and these desires are not too strong but too weak, because they settle for less than the good or the true or the beautiful. What we need is counter-reformation. The Gospel is a place of counter-reformation. It allows us to take risks, because we are secure in Christ. The Liturgy of Worship is counter-reformative, because it declares to us the truth about our world, and about us when we lose it in the day to day. The promises we make to each other are counter-reformative because it allows us to have the commitment that sustains and feeds intimacy. How else are we formed and shaped in intimacy? How do we grow in emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy with our spouses? I wanted to include some suggestions below. These suggestions flow out of our Gospel security. They are meant to help us live honestly before God and others. One-way love and the Gospel are the motivators. We can offer one-way love to our spouses, because God has loved us. We will fail, and in our failure we turn to God for forgiveness, we turn to our spouse to love again.

FANOS

• The goal of FANOS is growing in intimacy. We practice it, so we can communicate and grow closer. The rules are simple. One person listens and one person speaks. You cannot interrupt or disagree, but can when finished ask clarifying questions. Be an active listener. Hear your spouse. Respond with humility, confession and honesty. FANOS stands for the following:

? F - Feelings…Today I am feeling _______________. (An emotion…so tired is not an emotion, but stressed out is)

? A - Affirmation…I want to affirm _________________. Think of something they have done, or something they are.

? N - Needs…I need ________________ from you…I need you to do __________________. Practice communicating your needs to your spouse. Be needy; invite your spouse into those places where they can help.

? O - Own…I want to own ___________________. Ownership is practicing confession. There are a hundred things we can own. Voice one of these to your spouse. Ownership is a practice in humility.

? S - Spirituality…I feel close to God in this way. I feel distant from God. I read this in God’s Word. I haven’t read the Word in a month. I prayed for us today. Lord, teach me to pray.

Another practice is asking questions. You can do this monthly or quarterly or yearly. On our anniversary, we reflect on the year behind, and hope for the year forward. These questions are ways for us to hope and be challenged in a New Year or month. 10 Questions:

1 What could I do to make you feel more loved?

2 What could I do to make you feel more respected?

3 What could I do to make you feel more understood?

4 What could I do to make you more secure? What can I do to be safer?

5 What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?

6 What attribute would you like me to develop?

7 What attribute would you like me to help you develop?

8 What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?

9 What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christ like?

10 What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?

11 Have I overlooked any question you would like for me to ask?

Keep a Schedule…scheduling isn’t the savior, but it can provide means for connection when you lack margin. Some of you geek out on schedules and some of you hate them. Live into the need to work on your life so you can work in your life. Times of connection:

? Staff meeting-going over dates and family items together. Share your schedules.

? Family or couple devotions. There are lots of good resources for you and your family to practice devotions together. Keep them short, simple and consistent (1 x a week; 3 x a week; 5 x a week). Practice confession and encourage each other of God’s pardon and grace.

? Plan a project together. Work on it, laugh about it, try new things. Go shopping together, work out together.

? Date nights. Taking times to date your spouse can be helpful for connection. It is always good to make plans and have a date at least 1x a month. Arrange childcare, swap kids with another person in the church so each of you get a night out. Plan the night. Plan a surprise. Copy others. Go online search for good date nights in the city. Do something active together.

? Do things with others. Invite other couples, singles, neighbors into your home and share the job of hosting and cleaning up together. This living out of our mission to be a faithful presence of Jesus can help us grow in intimacy.

? Share the load of family life. Share chores, share caring for babies. Dads stay home with the kids by yourself regularly. Empathize with the home life of your wife. If you both work, share the nighttime routines and rhythms.

? Be safe. Talk about ways you can be a safe place for each other. What discourages you from sharing honest things with your spouse? Start by sharing the ways you don’t feel safe.

? Serve each other. Do things for each other.

? Sex. When things are busy, it is normal and good to plan our sexual activity. Think about nights when you are home and relaxed and emotionally connected. One thing about the practice of sex, the heart follows our action. The heart is warmed through actions, whether it is practices that emotionally and spiritually connect us or sex to physically connect us. We practice regular sexual activity so we can grow in intimacy with our spouse. We practice regular emotional connection so we can grow in intimacy with our spouse.

There are many other things that can reform us in our cultural moment, and we should encourage and share ways God has brought intimacy with your spouse. Remember we want ordinary romance not dislodged from the regular and ordinary realities of our lives. Part of this is seeing each other as we are, and then we don’t turn our face away, but instead accept them, all of them. This is why sex is important, because it forces us to place ourselves in vulnerable places with our spouse, where we learn to take risks and provide acceptance and love.