I recently came back from a “Men at the Cross” (MATC) weekend retreat, put on by Cross Ministry Group. If you are at all familiar with MATC, you know that it shares a few similarities with Fight Club, a fictional book about a group of men, written by Chuck Palahniuk. One of the notable similarities between MATC and Fight Club can be found in the first two rules of Fight Club:

1. You do not talk about Fight Club

2. You DO NOT talk about Fight Club

MATC is a transformative weekend in which you are given several opportunities to grow in your relationship with God and asked to "trust the process."

So all of that is to say, I am not going to tell you about the MATC weekend and what it is like. That is something you need to experience yourself. And I truly pray that you would.

What I am going to tell you about is my story and my takeaway from the weekend. But in order to do that, we need to go back a few years.

Early years

I have a long history of anxiety. One of my first memories of anxiety takes place in fourth grade. I was sitting in class and had just learned that in 125 million years, the sun will explode. My teacher and classmates seemed carefree. They laughed it off saying, "We'll be looong gone by then!"

Are you kidding me? I thought. That is terrifying! There is nothing like a telling an anxious fourth grader that:

1. He is going to die.

2. All his friends and family are going to die.

3. Someday the sun will explode.

That’s a lot to take in, especially when up to that point my biggest concern in life was which Power Ranger I wanted to be like.

Fast forward to September 2011.

I had just joined staff with Cru at the University of New Mexico. The pay wasn't much, so I had to pick up some extra hours at a local pharmacy.

When I had some down time in the pharmacy, I would read some articles on Christianity and theology.

One day, I was feeling a little blue and read an article on assurance of faith. The author, who I am sure had good intentions, essentially wrote that if you feel excited and joyous about Jesus, you know you are saved. And if you don't feel that, maybe you aren't.

Well, I sat and tried to feel. Nothing, really.

What does this mean?? Am I not saved? Can I ever be saved? Has God rejected me?

These were all thoughts that ran through my head. They continued to run through my head for the next two years. Sometimes they still run through my head.

Men at the Cross weekend

As a mentioned earlier, I came back from the MATC last weekend, and the effect was notable. I had gone into the weekend open and honest with my anxiety, sharing it freely.

On Saturday I learned something about myself. I learned that my anxiety makes me feel safe. At some point I began believing the lie that I need to make sure everything is right. That is what God expects of me. I get anxious if I'm not anxious. If I'm not anxious I wonder if my relationship with God is broken, but I don't see it. So I go over my life with a fine tooth comb, looking for anything condemnable.

It doesn't take me long to find something.

Okay, I know now that I hold onto some kind of self-sufficiency. What do I do with this information? I thought to myself that weekend.

On Monday, the first morning I was home, I spoke to my wife about the weekend. I talked to her about things I learned and information I gathered about myself. I may or may not have cried… a lot.

Then something strange happened. Out of nowhere I remembered something that happened back in September 2011. A few days after I began to feel anxiety, I got worried that the Holy Spirit would not work in me, so I took that weight upon myself. I would use anxiety as a way to make sure that I was keeping myself in line.

Oh dang, I have been doing that? Sorry Jesus. It was a quick prayer.

After some more prayer and meditation, it felt like a weight was taken off of me. Could this have been a cause of so much of my anxiety? It has seemed so.

Now, as I start to feel that weight creeping back onto me I stop, remind myself that I am trying to take the Holy Spirit’s job again, confess, thank God for his forgiveness and proceed. It’s revolutionary, to say the least (at least for me).

So what about you?

Is there something that you desire to grow in, grow out of or be more like? Do you want to love God more? Do you struggle to love God? Or are you like me, so hopelessly human that you’re afraid to acknowledge it? If so, you are welcome here at Crossroads and you are welcome to MATC.

Again, I would plead with you to attend the next Men (or Women) at the Cross weekend. Registration and dates can be found at http://crossmg.org/