I used to live under the illusion that I was "good" at relationships. The brokenness that I heard and saw around me was always because of someone else's stupidity, ignorance, or brash words. I thought I was the sole peacemaker in the world: always fixing and never to blame. I loved people. My job was to be relational and to be in community. Why wouldn't I be good at relationships? God had obviously placed me in the perfect spot to be using my wonderful gifts...

Sometimes growth can be so painful. Couldn't God have given me a little nudge that showed me just a little sliver of the flaws in my relationships and used that to wake me up to the reality of my messiness? Instead, my peaceful and ignorant little world was flipped upside down. Once I no longer felt secure, all of the brokenness within me emerged so quickly. I never knew I had such anger and hatred lying within me. I can be a terrifying human being. I used to like confrontations. But that was before they had anything to do with me. When it comes to my own feelings, mistakes, and insecurities I found that my impulse is to run and hide. 

On Sunday, Justin asked the question, "What makes you feel secure? What makes you know that you are loved and accepted?" For so long, I had flip-flopped between a sense of false security when I felt in control, and extreme anxiety in each moment where I felt that control was lost. Justin talked about hungering for the Lord. When was the last time that I had hungered for the Lord? Hungered for my Savior who heals and reconciles through His broken body? Rather than feel this hunger and need I have continued to avoid the pain, fear, and brokenness within me. I have ignored my need of a Savior and substituted Him with so many other things: other people's problems (so I can pretend I'm not as needy), teaching and practicing yoga (to find my false sense of inner peace), alcohol (to forget my emptiness and loneliness), sugar (to find comfort in something I enjoy)...

Oh Jesus, come quickly. 

You have shown me my need for You. Help me to not ignore it. Help me to learn that asking is abiding - that I can stay connected and secure by abiding with You. How many times must I relearn that I have no control? I live a life of plenty, with so many things to act as my substitute of You. Dear Jesus, help me to hunger for You. Help me to fast from my substitutes in order to become aware of Your presence within me. Let Your work in my life become evident as I see You in my relationships. Let me be quicker to accept my faults, slower to speak, and to forgive by Your strength alone. "Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge. I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You.'"