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A faithful presence of love in the absences of our city.

Fully Known & Truly Loved

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” -Timothy Keller

When I started dating my now husband my sophomore year of college, we were awkward at best. I think we confessed our love for one another three months in? It was comforting and exciting to hear him say he loved me…but how could he really love me? He barely knew me.

As we continued dating, I began to feel the weight of the second aspect of this quote. I was so afraid that if my boyfriend really knew me, he might not actually love me, and this became a paralyzing fear. I spent the first year of our dating relationship just trying to hide my crazy. I could definitely keep it all together for the two hours out of the day that we’d spend together at Starbucks or the climbing wall… but, Lord have mercy once I got home to my roommates, or my mom and let out all of the anxiety, fear, irritation, and impatience that was hiding in my heart…

We dated for three years before he proposed, and in that time frame we got to know each other more and more. We realized a few things about each other that were less than ideal, but we kept dating, and kept practicing loving each other, even when things were not what we’d hoped. By the time Michael proposed, I believed him. I believed that he really knew me, and that he really loved me, and I felt like I fully knew him, and truly loved him. Then we got married.

Married life is a funny thing. First of all you get to do life with your best friend, which is thrilling, comforting, and so much fun. Second of all, you end up in ridiculous arguments with your best friend over how to load the dishwasher. Aspects of reality that used to be kept out of the pristine dating relationship are suddenly unavoidable. Not only are there more opportunities for the ordinary to “get in the way of” the romantic, you fall asleep with this person beside you, even if it’s at the end of the most difficult day together yet. Michael and I are coming up on our two year anniversary, and honestly, I look at couples who have been married 10, 20, or 30 years with complete awe. How much more they must know each other!

One of my favorite verses in Paul’s letters is in Ephesians chapter five. Paul, speaking about the dynamics between husbands and wives concludes by saying… “This mystery is profound, but I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (5:32). This verse has brought me so much comfort. There have been many times over the past two years when I have felt literally dumbfounded by my relationship with my husband. Why would God want me to be married to this crazy guy? Then the next day, why would God make this sweet man see all my most emotional, unattractive moments? Why are we even doing this thing that seems a little outdated to the majority of our generation?

When I’m totally confused, and marriage isn’t what I hoped and dreamed it would be. When it’s not pretty or easy, I am reminded that this marriage isn’t about me. When we have the worst fight yet, he’s still my husband. By the grace of God, the covenant that we entered into will continue to grow, as we become more fully known by each other, and continue to choose to love. It’s a mystery, sometimes it doesn’t make sense and things don’t add up, kind of like the gospel; I wander from God and sin against Him, he pursues me, sends his only Son to bear the weight of my sins, clears my name, and calls me His own. Another rich mystery that sometimes leaves me confused, but thankful.

I’m thankful for marriage and for the ways that it mirrors the story of God’s unrelenting love for his people, I’m thankful for each moment of joy in our relationship that leads me to praise God for his beautiful design, and I’m also thankful for each less than perfect, awkward, messy moment of disappointment in our relationship that reminds me where my ultimate hope and satisfaction lie, in Christ alone, the only one who can perfectly demonstrate one way love, despite my sin.