This has been a difficult week for my family. My grandfather passed away last Thursday at the age of 91. He lived a wonderful life and I am so grateful for the 28 years I had with him. He will forever live in my mind as the epic storyteller who would captivate me with his tales from childhood, his army days, & his cowboy tales of New Mexico. Unfortunately, since his passing there have been some hard things to sort through with the woman who he shared life with for the past 25 years, who I grew up calling, Grandma.

Justin’s sermon on Sunday was timely, convicting, and comforting for me as I have continued to wrestle with my grief, amidst my anger and heartache this week. He walked us through Acts 3:17-21, in which we see that renewal comes through repentance. I so badly want renewal, especially in this situation with my extended family. I am struggling to reconcile the memories from growing up, with the realities of things now. And I am collapsing into my ideology of nostalgia. It is easier to ignore what is happening now and live in the memories of the good things when I was small. I seek comfort in justification from others that this is indeed a frustrating scenario. I seek escape in turning on a tv show at night and not thinking about my emotions or my grief. And I wrestle with God’s justice, why he is allowing this hard season to be wrought with tension and strife.

I want the Lord to renew all of this, and his answer for me is himself, His presence. The renewal I want only comes from Jesus. And I must repent of my own sin in this- my sin of anger, bitterness, harsh words behind a back, etc. Only in my repentance, in recognizing my weakness and inadequacy to fix this or change it, do I receive God’s unlimited mercy. And that mercy doesn’t come from my own ability to forgive, but because of the merits of Jesus. So, this weekend as we travel for the funeral, I will collapse into Jesus, his ability to carry my family and I through the grief, the tensions, and rest in His love and care for us.

~Bronwyn Siebert