“He said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times of seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.’” Acts 1:7-8

Covid-19 makes us feel weak. Here we are, week 10 of staying at home, and all we can complain about is how weak it makes us feel. Staying home means we’re afraid of the virus. Wearing a mask in public means we’re giving up personal freedoms. Continuing to follow our governing authority’s protocols means we are weak and malleable and easy to control. A friend in the church described to me around week 5 of staying home how much anger she felt even though without these orders, she would be home anyway. But when someone tells her when to stay home, she feels angry that she doesn’t get to make that decision for herself anymore. I feel that, too.

I’ve been asking the Lord, “Are we there yet?” in the midst of this virus. But not in the way a child does with a slight whine and anticipation on a never-ending car trip. I’ve been asking Him in anger, blaming Him, and frustrated in the dissatisfactory answer of, “We’re getting closer.”

I had a conversation with Josh on Tuesday about our plans for reopening and the logistics surrounding meeting at the church building again for services, and he called me out for being angry. Finally, the “getting closer” is visibly happening, and I’m still angry!  Not because I’m not ready to be physically present in public places yet, but because I still don’t have the control I want and it’s exposing my infinite weakness.

The disciples thought they knew what was coming; Jesus’ ascension was supposed to mean his coup d'état in Jerusalem. It was supposed to mean power for the people and the ability to be ruled by a king of their choosing. But Jesus ascends into the Heavens and the disciples are left staring at the sky confused and scared and weak. And this is where Justin’s words struck me: “The absence has been felt, you’re bumping into your weakness, and this is the exact place where power comes to make you a witness.”

In these moments of waiting and questioning and being angry, Jesus meets us in our weakness. He gives me the Holy Spirit and fills me with power even in my anger. And even though I will have to march on through this virus-filled life and will stop and stare at the sky and ask, “Are we there yet?”, those are the very times that my infinite weakness will be met with his infinite power and I will be able to testify to the end of the earth of His good work.

~Emily Spare