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A faithful presence of love in the absences of our city.

A grace-filled family is loud, not with its criticism, but with its affirmation.

There was a phrase that Pastor Justin emphasized in his sermon this week. I don’t know if you caught it, but he stopped and repeated it very slowly, almost as if he was waiting for me to write it down in order to be able to reflect on it more fully later on.

“A grace-filled family is loud, not with its criticism, but with its affirmation.”

Loud

When I first heard “loud,” I was a little disgusted. I certainly don’t want to be a loud family. My disgust for the word is rooted, I believe, in a conflation of “loud” with “raucous.” I certainly hope that Pastor Justin wasn’t advocating a raucous family, especially considering the fact that when I think of a raucous family, I think of a Game of Thrones-esque family - two parts violence, four parts drunkenness, one part scheming malevolence, and a generous pinch of debauchery. This certainly doesn’t seem to be the picture of a grace-filled family.

But then again, perhaps I should have a bit more grace with our Pastor. In philosophy, as I’m sure in many other disciplines, the principle of intellectual courtesy is advocated. This is the idea that we should consider the arguments of study in the best possible form, and that when there is ambiguity in language or semantics, we ought to assume the strongest understanding of the word. One of the best emulators of this idea is the philosopher, Alvin Plantinga. He will spend time formulating the argument against which he is arguing, and he will formulate it so well that it is even stronger than when it was originally stated. Perhaps, I might be able to have some of that grace with our pastor.

So, how might I consider “loud” in more congenial terms? I posit that perhaps we might be able to transpose “abundantly vocal” for “loud.” The point that I believe was being made by Pastor Justin’s use of “loud” is that we, as a family, cannot be quiet about our affirmation. Affirmation is not non-verbal, or at least not primarily so. And moreover, in using “loud,” I think that he might be advocating an exuberant, expressive, and abundant usage of affirmation. With these revisions, I am left with “A grace-filled family is [abundantly vocal], not with its criticism, but with its affirmation.” To me, I think that this is an excellent call to action: we cannot be passive or minimal in affirmation; an abundance of grace with our family will produce an abundance of affirmation, vocalized affirmation, that is.

Criticism and Affirmation

Let us now consider the notion of criticism and affirmation in a little greater detail. I think that there are a myriad of conceptions of each of these words, some uplifting and positive, some derogatory and harmful, but each person’s conceptions differs slightly depending on their context and background. Therefore, rather than speculating on what you may think about these words, let me tell you what I think about them. To be ruthlessly honest, I think that I find it easy to fall into a mindset that criticism is useful for growth and improvement; that we give criticism to those we love in order to help them grow. In contrast, affirmation is a complement that is paid to those who have decided to settle... “Oh, you’ve decided to pick up that career? I’m sure that you will make…lots…of good memories? What a great decision!” Or perhaps, affirmation might be due if someone has done something particularly note-worthy, as in curing cancer, or summiting Everest, or perhaps catching a Gyrados.

Having said that and risking that no one will ever take affirmation from me (or even talk to me), I should probably put in a disclaimer that I believe that my views are neither accurate nor normative. I think that there is a place for critique when it is helpful and beneficial, and I think that there can be affirmation that is offered merely to placate and without a sincere heart. So too, can these views lead us into a cynical criticism that assumes it is our job to criticize, and deceitful affirmation given only when called upon. Nevertheless, I think that we cannot allow these to be normative, and that is, I believe, precisely the call that Pastor Justin is making. Rather than seeking out how we can criticize, we should actively seek to affirm. Too little thought is given to affirmation; too much to criticism. And if we actively seek how we can affirm, that will provide the very environment that will be ripe with opportunity for growth and change and helpful advice.

Having written this piece, I (jestingly) expect that I will receive a great deal of affirmation and no criticism. And, I (sincerely) hope that my reflections will help you consider Pastor Justin’s call for us to be “A grace-filled family [that is abundantly vocal], not with its [cynical and divisive] criticism, but with its [genuine, heartfelt] affirmation,” assuming you will permit me the revisions, Pastor Justin.

--Joshua Spare